You walk in.
You walk out.
i keep running round the it’s-not-love.

It’s an ulcer unseen
on the inside of my lib.
my delicious secret,
pushing the pain with my tongue.

I walk in.
I walk out.
you keep running round the it’s-just-sex.
I walk out.
I keep walking.

you’re right, My favourite monster,
It’s Just Sex.

on a mission to save my soul.

i guess i'll be okay when my internship starts. in the meantime, i just gotta deal. DEAL.

eleven minutes is all we have
to show or not show love
to show or not show, love.

gurh.

aku tak suka..

i don't like ambiguity. i don't like that i don't know how i feel towards you. i don't like that i actually checked the 'who added you' function on msn, only to find out i'm no longer on your list. i don't like that i cried and felt shitty after that.

whatever you told whoever, that you loved me then and that you wish we were at least in the same city so we could end things proper and you wished we could stay friends. is, really, whatever. you knew, and everyone else knew, that it was impossible. yet you told me if we tried hard enough, anything's possible. and i actually believed it.

i don't like that i don't hate you, i don't like that i don't love you. because i thought i loved you very very much, and now i don't feel that.. makes me a stranger to me.

i don't like that when i try to tell myself you are a player, i remember all these things we we did together and places we went together and they all feel so real, genuine, honest. i don't like that we'll never see each other, we'll never be friends.

i don't like that i still care but you've moved on.

but this is me. this is who i am, even tho every day i grow less sure of who i am, what i feel. i am always staying behind, i am always left behind, i am always picking up the pieces. i am always putting away old letters and gifts, i am always deleting old emails, deleting contacts, i am always doing the symbolic to break through into reality.

i am always. here. and will always be. here. chasing ghosts, fighting memories, crying, not knowing what happened.

so i repeat to myself, you were playing me.

whatever felt real

slipped away,
like a fish from a heedless child -
plop!

)) ) ) )
and those reasons, feelings, superegos,
faded as the water's edge calmed.

disappeared into the dark,
like a hollow echo of a heedless child who fell into the -
vanished naivette -
well, well.

and love has gone to hell.

v day afterthoughts.

is a game of exchange, reserved for the rich who can provide extra resources and the poor who are willing to swallow their pride. there's only a relationship because some resource is differential.

i'm a cynic. yes. i know.